no title-

I feel like I'm in a fog.

It's strange....a couple of weeks ago when I was really, really deep in the thick of a situation that was very painful----I felt more alive.
Of course, it was a feeling that I did not want to feel----pain and sorrow, but- during those few weeks, I was connecting with my soul on a level that is not typical & I feel like I have managed to lose it.

Now, I feel this strange disconnect that I know so well, and I wish I knew how to get it back without having to go through inner agony. I suppose this is why God allows suffering in our lives b/c it brings us to a point of authenticity that does not come naturally. But, we can't stay there....
right?

I hate the monotony of life. I hate "going through the motions", yet that's where I find myself, and I don't really have much motivation to "pull myself out".
I wonder if that's just a coping mechanism for pain... a form of denial. I don't know, but I really just want to feel. I want to connect.
I don't know if I am making any sense, but you know when you know.....I mean- You just know when your soul feels alive.

Now, from a whole spiritual, doctrinal side- I realize that I have Christ within my soul and therefore it is alive. I recognize that as truth, but I long to feel it on a more consistent basis. I have faith in that truth and sometimes that's all there is to go on. There's a lot of "me" in there- blocking out the new life.

Sometimes I think I am just an idealist or I romanticize everything b/c I want everything to have meaning, to have purpose, to have a depth of feeling....
There must be something good in this b/c it seems to be the way that I was wired....however, sometimes it feels like a curse.

I think this post sounds pretty depressing.
It's just where I am...
a place of longing.