Where I've been

So, the last month has been pretty interesting. I was looking back over my journals and then my blogs at my thoughts and feelings and here is something that I wrote the night before I left for Africa:

"I have to "let go" of everything that I think I want & I have to say I'm empty & I am desperate for you to come in and rip me apart and put me back together again."

I remember praying that, obviously with no knowledge of how God would actually do that. So, here goes the recap:

• Went to Africa, led a group of 14 other people....the majority of them were older than me & I dealt with confrontations, conflicts, anxieties and fears in a whole new way...in a new element that stretched me unlike any other experience that I've ever had. It was quite terrifying at times.
• Came home from Africa terribly sick....lost 12 pounds in 14 days, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, had no energy....uhhh, I was in a black hole.
  
• Literally thought I was dying----always the drama queen:)
• Knew I had to "get over" my ex-boyfriend....didn't realize how much I had been holding on until I found out that he had moved on to someone new.
• Heartbreak. Rejection. Grief.
  
• Rude awakening to how much security I had actually placed in that relationship.
  
• I need "Codependents Anonymous".
  
• I need Jesus.
• Moved to Gainesville.
• Stayed 3 nights. Realized I couldn't move there....how humiliating....I had moved there for him, not me.
• That's scary.
• I need Jesus.
• Move back to Orlando after 3 nights in Gainesville
• No job, no house, what am I doing?
  
• Baby Kael (my nephew) had a seizure and we don't know why.
• Thoughts cross my mind....what if he dies?
  
• "God, I can't take much more---are you serious?"
  
• Terrifying.
• Walked into the hospital room to see my 5 month old nephew crying with wires coming out of his head from all directions.
  
• Terrifying.
• I need Jesus.

So, is this what being ripped apart in a 3 week span looks like? I believe that I have gotten through the worst, and He has shown Himself more real to me than ever before in my short 24 years.

Today, something cool happened and it reminded me that these crazy, heartbreaking, scary times take us to a place that bring us back on our knees....back to a place of just simple faith---b/c nothing else makes sense.

So, here's what happened: I was driving my 4 year old nephew to the hospital to see his baby brother, and we were listening to worship songs. He was singing so loud.
Then, when there was a break in the song---he said-
"Laurie, I love God more than anyone in the whole world!"
and I said----"Why is that?"

....silence....

He responded, "What do you mean? b/c He's our God."

Simple faith. Innocent words. This is just where I need to be.

Now, put me back together again.