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I feel like I'm in a fog.

It's strange....a couple of weeks ago when I was really, really deep in the thick of a situation that was very painful----I felt more alive.
Of course, it was a feeling that I did not want to feel----pain and sorrow, but- during those few weeks, I was connecting with my soul on a level that is not typical & I feel like I have managed to lose it.

Now, I feel this strange disconnect that I know so well, and I wish I knew how to get it back without having to go through inner agony. I suppose this is why God allows suffering in our lives b/c it brings us to a point of authenticity that does not come naturally. But, we can't stay there....
right?

I hate the monotony of life. I hate "going through the motions", yet that's where I find myself, and I don't really have much motivation to "pull myself out".
I wonder if that's just a coping mechanism for pain... a form of denial. I don't know, but I really just want to feel. I want to connect.
I don't know if I am making any sense, but you know when you know.....I mean- You just know when your soul feels alive.

Now, from a whole spiritual, doctrinal side- I realize that I have Christ within my soul and therefore it is alive. I recognize that as truth, but I long to feel it on a more consistent basis. I have faith in that truth and sometimes that's all there is to go on. There's a lot of "me" in there- blocking out the new life.

Sometimes I think I am just an idealist or I romanticize everything b/c I want everything to have meaning, to have purpose, to have a depth of feeling....
There must be something good in this b/c it seems to be the way that I was wired....however, sometimes it feels like a curse.

I think this post sounds pretty depressing.
It's just where I am...
a place of longing.

Finally Free?

I've been listening to this song and meditating on the words over and over again, just longing to actually live in the freedom that I have been given....


Finally Free - Nichole Nordeman

No chain is strong enough
No choice is wrong enough
No mountain high enough that He
can't climb

No shadow dark enough
No night is black enough
No road is lost enough that He can't find

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

No pain is deep enough
No heart could bleed enough
Nothing but Jesus' love can make a way

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

It's been a while

So, I was totally on a roll with this whole blogging thing and now I just hit a wall!
Typically- I have written things that I am learning and I fear this might mean I have taken a temporary break from "learning"---yikes!

Not really.....but I do just kinda feel like I am "existing" right now. Ewwww, I HATE that I think more than anything. I'm big into being intentional and purposeful and continually trying to grow----yes, I am way too overanalytical.

Maybe I just need this break, maybe it's good for me....

so, until next time....

The Battle

You have to check this video out. It is crazy!!! It is taken from Kruger National Park in South Africa (where I just was) & it is a fight involving a pride of lions, a herd of buffalo, a crocodile, and a baby calf.

My counselor actually told me about this video and recommended that I check out b/c of the imagery that it represents.

This video is really cool to watch, but it also just made me think about stuff...about something deeper here.

The first thing that I thought about is the importance of having people "in your corner" to fight for you when you are overpowered, weak, and being taken down. I have friends like that, but I often will still isolate myself and not call out for help b/c of my fears, or shame for what I am struggling with.

Then, there's this picture of a "battle", and I think that we fail to recognize how serious and imminent the spirit of darkness is. As you see in this video, the calf is being pulled from all different directions by those who are seeking to destroy him & it looks so hopeless...until his own kind come back for him.

I do not live my life guarded against the enemy and I believe that I often suffer the consequences b/c I let him pull at me from all different directions....but, remember Psalm 18?
He will turn the whole world upside down to rescue me!

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.1 Peter 5:8

You Never Let Go.

Psalm 18:
1 I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
3 I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

4 The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
5 The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
6 But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears.

7 Then the earth quaked and trembled.
The foundations of the mountains shook;
they quaked because of his anger.
8 Smoke poured from his nostrils;
fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
Glowing coals blazed forth from him.
9 He opened the heavens and came down;
dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.
10 Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew,
soaring on the wings of the wind.
11 He shrouded himself in darkness,
veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.
12 Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him
and rained down hail and burning coals.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded
amid the hail and burning coals.
14 He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;
his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.
15 Then at your command, O Lord,
at the blast of your breath,
the bottom of the sea could be seen,
and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.

16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
18 They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the Lord supported me.
19 He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.

This is one of my favorite Psalms & for many reasons. However, today I was meditating on it and a new picture came to me. You know when the Lord is just repeatedly trying to get a point across to you and He just sends you truth over and over and over and over again....until the light clicks....and then He gives you the truth again, just to be sure?

Well, it's like what I wrote about last night...it's his grace.

This idea that He is FOR ME (for us), even when we do not deserve it.

Anyways, back to the Psalm- Like I said, I have loved this passage for many reasons, but there was a new part today that spoke to me and it's a picture of the fierce rescue of the Savior....the fight for the one He loves.

The scripture sets it up beautifully- he hears our cries and the foundations of the earth shake...The Lord thundered from heaven.

The Father God, the Lover God literally turns the whole earth upside down to "show up" for our rescue.

The timing of this beautiful picture is unreal...it's supernatural b/c I have been struggling with a deep sorrow of being "unwanted". A new grief that I am struggling with for the first time....even though it has been there for a really long time....just deep under the surface.

Father God makes me feel wanted with this imagery. He did not have to use David to paint this picture for us....but He's an artist....an artist that uses imagery to convince us over and over again----even when we doubt over and over again....to convince us....to convince me that I am worthy of being wanted.

I don't have to fight for it anymore.
I am wanted.

you are wanted.

honesty feels good.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth


Here are the lyrics to the song that we sang at church tonight & now---at a quarter to midnight, I find myself laying in my bed just listening to it over and over again...and over again.
I'm desperate to truly believe that....to truly be transformed by the reality that Jesus never lets go of me, that he takes away my fears & i truly have nothing to be afraid of b/c of His love.

You know when you just KNOW something is true in your head but you just can't seem to grasp that truth in your heart?

God is really dealing with me. Some real issues that I don't want to face about myself & it hurts like hell.

He doesn't feel "enough" to me....even though I know in my head that he is. I keep telling myself that, but I can't seem to wrap my heart around it.

I'm zoning in on that part in the song where it says "I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on"----tonight I feel that way. I don't even know if I am really holding onto him, I guess I am b/c there's nothing else, but I literally feel him holding on to my heart tonight---holding on to me and saying-----"laurie, I'm not letting go, I'm not through with you....I've got something more..."
I don't know that I've ever felt his grasp so much. And let me just say one more time....let me let you into my rebellious heart....it doesn't even want him right now....it wants something else, it wants someone else....something or someone to take away the momentary fear...the momentary pain....it doesn't even want him, yet he's holding onto me so tight. I guess that's grace. I know that's grace.

Someone once said that grace was an invitation to be beautiful...I think it was Sara Groves. She's right.
It's an invitation out of the filth....out of the momentary, except right now it doesn't even feel like an invitation...it feels like He's literally pulling me up and out (invitation or not) and saying....

"You will not go back there---i'm not letting go....
I'm not done with you."

grace.
I'm so unworthy.

Love is a higher law

Forgiven

India says it best:

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

~India.Arie

Should I get a dog?

This is what she looked like....

Am I ready for this step???
For this commitment?
I spent an hour at the pet store today holding a little baby "Puggle"....she was so adorable.

I told myself that whenever I get a dog...I'm going to the shelter, but I think I'm in love with her.

I sorda feel like I am betraying my dogs that I grew up with.
Who knew this would be such a difficult decision.

:)

Where I've been

So, the last month has been pretty interesting. I was looking back over my journals and then my blogs at my thoughts and feelings and here is something that I wrote the night before I left for Africa:

"I have to "let go" of everything that I think I want & I have to say I'm empty & I am desperate for you to come in and rip me apart and put me back together again."

I remember praying that, obviously with no knowledge of how God would actually do that. So, here goes the recap:

• Went to Africa, led a group of 14 other people....the majority of them were older than me & I dealt with confrontations, conflicts, anxieties and fears in a whole new way...in a new element that stretched me unlike any other experience that I've ever had. It was quite terrifying at times.
• Came home from Africa terribly sick....lost 12 pounds in 14 days, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, had no energy....uhhh, I was in a black hole.
  
• Literally thought I was dying----always the drama queen:)
• Knew I had to "get over" my ex-boyfriend....didn't realize how much I had been holding on until I found out that he had moved on to someone new.
• Heartbreak. Rejection. Grief.
  
• Rude awakening to how much security I had actually placed in that relationship.
  
• I need "Codependents Anonymous".
  
• I need Jesus.
• Moved to Gainesville.
• Stayed 3 nights. Realized I couldn't move there....how humiliating....I had moved there for him, not me.
• That's scary.
• I need Jesus.
• Move back to Orlando after 3 nights in Gainesville
• No job, no house, what am I doing?
  
• Baby Kael (my nephew) had a seizure and we don't know why.
• Thoughts cross my mind....what if he dies?
  
• "God, I can't take much more---are you serious?"
  
• Terrifying.
• Walked into the hospital room to see my 5 month old nephew crying with wires coming out of his head from all directions.
  
• Terrifying.
• I need Jesus.

So, is this what being ripped apart in a 3 week span looks like? I believe that I have gotten through the worst, and He has shown Himself more real to me than ever before in my short 24 years.

Today, something cool happened and it reminded me that these crazy, heartbreaking, scary times take us to a place that bring us back on our knees....back to a place of just simple faith---b/c nothing else makes sense.

So, here's what happened: I was driving my 4 year old nephew to the hospital to see his baby brother, and we were listening to worship songs. He was singing so loud.
Then, when there was a break in the song---he said-
"Laurie, I love God more than anyone in the whole world!"
and I said----"Why is that?"

....silence....

He responded, "What do you mean? b/c He's our God."

Simple faith. Innocent words. This is just where I need to be.

Now, put me back together again.

Journaling

So, I read through an old journal---and I had this prayer in it to God...a "desperate" prayer, for very specific things.
And, tonight I realized that my reality right now was the answer to those specific prayers...except it didn't turn out exactly like I wanted it to when I prayed them.

Crazy how that happens! So, I must trust God. I must believe him that this is his answer.

I asked for an answer a few months back, I got an answer, and now I must learn to live with it.

That prayer is my lifeline right now....I can look back on it and realize that God is faithful, God is sovereign, He knows what he's doing....even when it hurts like hell.

Sometimes it's worth the pain

We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. Go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea, or on the strength of the hills that is His also; or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken. --Amy Carmichael

Suffering:

Why do we run from it? Especially when we have been told that it is in adversity that we find ourselves?

I am such a wimp when it comes to pain. I have always thought of myself as a very "soulful" person, a woman that lives from her heart....a heart that is full of so many different emotions. So, why do I feel that I have the right to dictate exactly what emotions that I will "allow" myself to live in? I'll take love, passion, joy, peace, ect.
But, when it comes to heartbreak, torment, sorrow....I question everything and immediately frantically search for a method to soothe my pain, usually this just results in bandadging a wound that will resurface again somewhere down the line.

So, in this latest walk through sorrow, Jesus has been showing me that it's okay to be in pain. He understands so much...He has great empathy. I mean, even just the picture of the cross....What is it?
Unimaginable physical suffering, not to mention the spiritual element that was going on as Jesus literally felt the weight of the sins of the world on his chest. It must have been difficult to breath.
I find it hard to breath sometimes when I am trying to make a big decision.....ahhh, why I am so quick to believe the lie that I am all alone in my suffering??

Anyways, back to the picture of the cross....he endured, he was patient, and he willfully subjected himself to the pain. And, what came after the pain?



LIFE!
a free life...

That's what he has been saying to me....
Walk through it, don't try to run from it, don't try to medicate it, just feel it

then comes freedom.



In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world. --Jesus Christ