Does life just keep getting harder?

That's what they tell me...
I've been trying to journal for like the last 5 hours and I can't----so, I am going to on here. You know, this is my little way to communicate to my little world and as I have said before....there's some strange comfort in knowing that I'm writing to "someone"----it's like it makes it more real, more valid.

I'm hurting. There's been stuff going on in my life recently----really not recently, more like the last year & I feel like I subjectified myself to a lot of unneccessary bondage and pain and I'm just in the thick of it and don't really understand it's purpose. I'm choosing to believe that there is some purpose, but right now I just cannot see it.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how Beth Moore responds when people ask her why she loves Jesus so much and she just says one word- "desperation".
It's strange b/c when I wrote that a few weeks ago....I thought I couldn't handle much more....yet God gave me more.

More pain in my life that just makes me desperate for him. You'd think I was dying of cancer or something....sometimes I feel guilty for the pain that I feel in my soul, but I guess the Lord gives each of us something, someone, or whatever that just pushes us to him.

I don't even know if I wrote about this or not, but this whole concept of "desperation" has made me think about God's mercy and just his sheer desire to be intimate with us.
Like, I say to him...."ive tried everyone and everything else and once again i find myself
empty-handed, so I'm coming back to you- help me-

I'm desperate" & I hear his voice say in my soul:
"I'll take it"

That thought shatters me....brings me to a place of humility unlike any other. Just that Jesus would say- "you're what I want & even if you can't love me like i love you, that's okay---I'll take anything you can give me right now b/c I just want you".

I guess this is what they call an epiphany (is that how you spell it?)

And, right now....that's the only purpose that i can see for my pain....b/c that thought alone makes me fall on my face and want HIM more &

isn't that what this life is all about?

I think so...I think it's about finding God and his purpose in a shit-hole world....

That's enough for me right now, it gives me enough comfort right now
and I'll take that...