I keep listening to that Natalie Grant song from a few posts back...it's speaking to my soul right now. You do not promise me a life that would all make sense or that it would be easy, you do not promise me answers to my never-ending questions, you do not promise me happiness, you do not promise me freedom from pain...
Aren't I supposed to be seeking to become like Jesus? The "man of sorrows"? Once again, you do not promise that my life will be free of pain and suffering and sorrow.
You have only promised to love me through my pain.
You have only promised to never abandon me in my pain.
You have only promised that when what I know falls apart....
You will hold me.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Promise of Freedom
Psalm 84:11
"For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; The Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Thank you God.
"For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; The Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Thank you God.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Does life just keep getting harder?
That's what they tell me...
I've been trying to journal for like the last 5 hours and I can't----so, I am going to on here. You know, this is my little way to communicate to my little world and as I have said before....there's some strange comfort in knowing that I'm writing to "someone"----it's like it makes it more real, more valid.
I'm hurting. There's been stuff going on in my life recently----really not recently, more like the last year & I feel like I subjectified myself to a lot of unneccessary bondage and pain and I'm just in the thick of it and don't really understand it's purpose. I'm choosing to believe that there is some purpose, but right now I just cannot see it.
A few weeks ago I wrote about how Beth Moore responds when people ask her why she loves Jesus so much and she just says one word- "desperation".
It's strange b/c when I wrote that a few weeks ago....I thought I couldn't handle much more....yet God gave me more.
More pain in my life that just makes me desperate for him. You'd think I was dying of cancer or something....sometimes I feel guilty for the pain that I feel in my soul, but I guess the Lord gives each of us something, someone, or whatever that just pushes us to him.
I don't even know if I wrote about this or not, but this whole concept of "desperation" has made me think about God's mercy and just his sheer desire to be intimate with us.
Like, I say to him...."ive tried everyone and everything else and once again i find myself
empty-handed, so I'm coming back to you- help me-
I'm desperate" & I hear his voice say in my soul:
"I'll take it"
That thought shatters me....brings me to a place of humility unlike any other. Just that Jesus would say- "you're what I want & even if you can't love me like i love you, that's okay---I'll take anything you can give me right now b/c I just want you".
I guess this is what they call an epiphany (is that how you spell it?)
And, right now....that's the only purpose that i can see for my pain....b/c that thought alone makes me fall on my face and want HIM more &
isn't that what this life is all about?
I think so...I think it's about finding God and his purpose in a shit-hole world....
That's enough for me right now, it gives me enough comfort right now
and I'll take that...
I've been trying to journal for like the last 5 hours and I can't----so, I am going to on here. You know, this is my little way to communicate to my little world and as I have said before....there's some strange comfort in knowing that I'm writing to "someone"----it's like it makes it more real, more valid.
I'm hurting. There's been stuff going on in my life recently----really not recently, more like the last year & I feel like I subjectified myself to a lot of unneccessary bondage and pain and I'm just in the thick of it and don't really understand it's purpose. I'm choosing to believe that there is some purpose, but right now I just cannot see it.
A few weeks ago I wrote about how Beth Moore responds when people ask her why she loves Jesus so much and she just says one word- "desperation".
It's strange b/c when I wrote that a few weeks ago....I thought I couldn't handle much more....yet God gave me more.
More pain in my life that just makes me desperate for him. You'd think I was dying of cancer or something....sometimes I feel guilty for the pain that I feel in my soul, but I guess the Lord gives each of us something, someone, or whatever that just pushes us to him.
I don't even know if I wrote about this or not, but this whole concept of "desperation" has made me think about God's mercy and just his sheer desire to be intimate with us.
Like, I say to him...."ive tried everyone and everything else and once again i find myself
empty-handed, so I'm coming back to you- help me-
I'm desperate" & I hear his voice say in my soul:
"I'll take it"
That thought shatters me....brings me to a place of humility unlike any other. Just that Jesus would say- "you're what I want & even if you can't love me like i love you, that's okay---I'll take anything you can give me right now b/c I just want you".
I guess this is what they call an epiphany (is that how you spell it?)
And, right now....that's the only purpose that i can see for my pain....b/c that thought alone makes me fall on my face and want HIM more &
isn't that what this life is all about?
I think so...I think it's about finding God and his purpose in a shit-hole world....
That's enough for me right now, it gives me enough comfort right now
and I'll take that...
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
This is my baby: Fatini :) I love her & as you can see, she loved me.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Held by Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Let's be realistic
I've been struggling with my reality lately.
I think we often believe what we want to believe about things or people in our lives, because it's often too difficult to face the truth. The truth-to me- often seems overwhelming & paralyzing.
This is why it's so tempting to live in a false reality...it's much more comfortable & safe----more than that....it's controllable. Isn't that what we want? To be in control?
I do.
So, what about the truth sets you free? especially when much of the time it feels overwhelming, paralyzing & often terribly painful.
And, more than that---if the truth really sets you free....why am I so quick to run from my reality & turn to what I want to believe?
I think the thing that's so freeing about the truth is because you actually have no control & it frees you of the responsibility and burden of "perfecting" your life....although I still try like hell to "perfect" my life.
Of course, this idea doesn't really work if you are a relativist, meaning- you believe that all truth is relative.
For now, I'm just trying to come to terms with my reality and trust that someone wiser than me is in control.
I think we often believe what we want to believe about things or people in our lives, because it's often too difficult to face the truth. The truth-to me- often seems overwhelming & paralyzing.
This is why it's so tempting to live in a false reality...it's much more comfortable & safe----more than that....it's controllable. Isn't that what we want? To be in control?
I do.
So, what about the truth sets you free? especially when much of the time it feels overwhelming, paralyzing & often terribly painful.
And, more than that---if the truth really sets you free....why am I so quick to run from my reality & turn to what I want to believe?
I think the thing that's so freeing about the truth is because you actually have no control & it frees you of the responsibility and burden of "perfecting" your life....although I still try like hell to "perfect" my life.
Of course, this idea doesn't really work if you are a relativist, meaning- you believe that all truth is relative.
For now, I'm just trying to come to terms with my reality and trust that someone wiser than me is in control.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Cheesy Christian Songs
I'm such a snob. You know those songs by like Steven Curtis Chapman or I don't know, just about any song they play on the z88.3 in Orlando? Well, typically I can listen to a song once and if it rubs me the wrong way---I HATE IT....that's one of my personality flaws---at least we are talking about songs. Usually this can be a problem for me when it comes to certain people. ooopps
Anyways, so....remember that song "Blessed Be your name" ? For whatever reason, that song irks me. It always has. Maybe it's the uppity melody, maybe it's the fact that it is played over and over again on the z. I don't know....
But, God always has a way of humbling me with my judgemental arrogance (even if it's just about a silly song). So, this is what happened....I sorda had "a moment" with this song today. I was riding in the car with my sister & of course she is not nearly as snobbish about her music and she put on a cd with popular christian songs (probably a WOW07 cd). Anyways, so, I was riding in the backseat and it was her car and her music....so I was forced to listen to the song. Yes, I have heard this song, yes, I know it well, but it sounded different to me today.
The words got me & all of the sudden----out of nowhere--- I suddenly had tears coming down my face.
This is what I was thinking:
Right now, I am struggling. Right now, I am dealing with some stuff that is making my heart hurt & I don't understand it at all. Yet, right now Jesus has not left me. Right now, Jesus is still the same. the same God....
That thought struck me.
I want to be the kind of disciple of Jesus who can truly say: "Lord, you are good. Just because".----even when my heart is heavy and full of pain.
Blessed be your name because of you, not because of me.
I went through this phase in my relationship with Jesus when I thought that was just a Christianyyy way of glazing over the real issues and copping out of how you were really feeling about something.
Like- by just saying- "God you are good all the time. All the time, you are good"---is a free pass to not having to talk about what's "really going on". And, you know- I still think that is true in certain cases.
However, I feel like I have entered a new season of my relationship with Jesus...it's one where I am honest about how I am feeling with him---even when I am frustrated and mad at him.
However, I feel like I can bring those feelings to Him and BECAUSE he is good, because he is full of grace & love and BECAUSE he is not shifted nor controlled by my feelings or circumstances.....I can then trust him with those feelings and have faith in Him as I say---"my life sucks right now, but I Choose to believe you. I choose to believe that you don't suck"
Get it?
So, I don't get this fully, but I want to b/c I believe this brings a whole new depth to the relationship with Christ.
It's one where-----your circumstances or the pain in your life might make you focus on yourself, yet, despite all this you can choose to turn your eyes to Jesus. So, therefore- the focus shifts from you and turns to Jesus.
My heart might be heavy, but my faith is not controlled by my feelings of heaviness. You are still the same God. You have not changed and you will carry me through.
This is being a disciple (i think so) and this takes discipline.
Now, can I just go into something else? This is something that bothers me about myself and so many christians in my life-----lack of discipline.
Discipline means choosing to do something that is difficult or that DOES NOT come naturally.
And, I just feel like so many christians bring in the worldly(for lack of a better word) concept of "my rights" into the relationship with Jesus, and that just doesn't add up.
When you embrace this fixation of "your rights", then there's really no room for discipline or for making a choice to do something that's hard or choosing to believe what's difficult to believe.
Why would there be need for discipline when you can't see past your own rights??? Your own entitlement.
I feel like a lot of christians (myself at the top of the list) waste a lot of time and energy here....
just a thought.
Anyways, so....remember that song "Blessed Be your name" ? For whatever reason, that song irks me. It always has. Maybe it's the uppity melody, maybe it's the fact that it is played over and over again on the z. I don't know....
But, God always has a way of humbling me with my judgemental arrogance (even if it's just about a silly song). So, this is what happened....I sorda had "a moment" with this song today. I was riding in the car with my sister & of course she is not nearly as snobbish about her music and she put on a cd with popular christian songs (probably a WOW07 cd). Anyways, so, I was riding in the backseat and it was her car and her music....so I was forced to listen to the song. Yes, I have heard this song, yes, I know it well, but it sounded different to me today.
The words got me & all of the sudden----out of nowhere--- I suddenly had tears coming down my face.
This is what I was thinking:
Right now, I am struggling. Right now, I am dealing with some stuff that is making my heart hurt & I don't understand it at all. Yet, right now Jesus has not left me. Right now, Jesus is still the same. the same God....
That thought struck me.
I want to be the kind of disciple of Jesus who can truly say: "Lord, you are good. Just because".----even when my heart is heavy and full of pain.
Blessed be your name because of you, not because of me.
I went through this phase in my relationship with Jesus when I thought that was just a Christianyyy way of glazing over the real issues and copping out of how you were really feeling about something.
Like- by just saying- "God you are good all the time. All the time, you are good"---is a free pass to not having to talk about what's "really going on". And, you know- I still think that is true in certain cases.
However, I feel like I have entered a new season of my relationship with Jesus...it's one where I am honest about how I am feeling with him---even when I am frustrated and mad at him.
However, I feel like I can bring those feelings to Him and BECAUSE he is good, because he is full of grace & love and BECAUSE he is not shifted nor controlled by my feelings or circumstances.....I can then trust him with those feelings and have faith in Him as I say---"my life sucks right now, but I Choose to believe you. I choose to believe that you don't suck"
Get it?
So, I don't get this fully, but I want to b/c I believe this brings a whole new depth to the relationship with Christ.
It's one where-----your circumstances or the pain in your life might make you focus on yourself, yet, despite all this you can choose to turn your eyes to Jesus. So, therefore- the focus shifts from you and turns to Jesus.
My heart might be heavy, but my faith is not controlled by my feelings of heaviness. You are still the same God. You have not changed and you will carry me through.
This is being a disciple (i think so) and this takes discipline.
Now, can I just go into something else? This is something that bothers me about myself and so many christians in my life-----lack of discipline.
Discipline means choosing to do something that is difficult or that DOES NOT come naturally.
And, I just feel like so many christians bring in the worldly(for lack of a better word) concept of "my rights" into the relationship with Jesus, and that just doesn't add up.
When you embrace this fixation of "your rights", then there's really no room for discipline or for making a choice to do something that's hard or choosing to believe what's difficult to believe.
Why would there be need for discipline when you can't see past your own rights??? Your own entitlement.
I feel like a lot of christians (myself at the top of the list) waste a lot of time and energy here....
just a thought.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Packing up my life:
I'm moving back to Gainesville....where my alma mater is. I don't even really know why I am moving back.....it's strange....it's just an alternative to where I have been living (with my parents), but lately I have been asking God "why?". I know there is something in store for me there, but I am not quite sure what.
I have friends and a church there & yes- that is reason enough, but I think on this next year and I get excited b/c I feel there much be something rich in store. I am not even sure why I feel that way. Do you ever feel that way? It's just a "feeling".
It's scary. I'm turning 25 in November & I feel like I still don't have a good grasp on "where my life is going"....is that alright? I keep telling myself that it is okay.
Right now, I'm trying to just have faith for the moment.
I have friends and a church there & yes- that is reason enough, but I think on this next year and I get excited b/c I feel there much be something rich in store. I am not even sure why I feel that way. Do you ever feel that way? It's just a "feeling".
It's scary. I'm turning 25 in November & I feel like I still don't have a good grasp on "where my life is going"....is that alright? I keep telling myself that it is okay.
Right now, I'm trying to just have faith for the moment.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Veils
Jet-lag again, wow- I have never had it this bad! I wouldn't mind this changing my sleeping habits permanently b/c I wish I went to bed earlier and woke up earlier.
So, Veils---this title comes from a song that I listened to over and over again in Africa as I sought to meet with God. You know songs that just bring you into His presence and yet they are just a confession b/c they articulate EXACTLY what you are feeling on the inside.
When I think about a Veil---I typically think of a wedding veil and whether or not I will have one or not when my wedding day comes. haha...ahh the depth.
Anyways, the definition of a Veil is:
head covering: a garment that covers the head and face
I often just long to look at Jesus, to hear Jesus, to speak to Jesus, to think on Jesus.....yet how often it is just so difficult for me. This song has led me to think of the "veils" in my life that have prohibited me from looking at Jesus, from hearing Jesus, from speaking to Jesus, and from thinking on Jesus.
I'd say that the veils that instantly come to mind are: myself & my comforts, my desire.....other people....my fears....my control issues to "make everything okay".....my complexities and inability to have simple faith.
I think there is not much more to be said. So, take a look at the lyrics:
Jesus, this is my confession. Draw me in. Strip me.
What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face
What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You
I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart
And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face
I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart
-Jason Morant "Veils"
***another great song by Jason---check out "Hosanna"
So, Veils---this title comes from a song that I listened to over and over again in Africa as I sought to meet with God. You know songs that just bring you into His presence and yet they are just a confession b/c they articulate EXACTLY what you are feeling on the inside.
When I think about a Veil---I typically think of a wedding veil and whether or not I will have one or not when my wedding day comes. haha...ahh the depth.
Anyways, the definition of a Veil is:
head covering: a garment that covers the head and face
I often just long to look at Jesus, to hear Jesus, to speak to Jesus, to think on Jesus.....yet how often it is just so difficult for me. This song has led me to think of the "veils" in my life that have prohibited me from looking at Jesus, from hearing Jesus, from speaking to Jesus, and from thinking on Jesus.
I'd say that the veils that instantly come to mind are: myself & my comforts, my desire.....other people....my fears....my control issues to "make everything okay".....my complexities and inability to have simple faith.
I think there is not much more to be said. So, take a look at the lyrics:
Jesus, this is my confession. Draw me in. Strip me.
What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face
What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You
I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart
And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face
I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart
-Jason Morant "Veils"
***another great song by Jason---check out "Hosanna"
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
jet-lag
I wish that I was sleeping, but I should be in Chirombo Village playing with little snot-nosed african kids!!!! Instead, I am laying in the dark in my comfortable bed in America.
Do you ever get to the point where you are just "over it"----I mean just like....God, what the hell do you want me to learn? I feel like I cannot be pushed to my limit anymore. there's no where else for me to go.
I'm sorda pissed at God. I guess this is okay b/c this is how David was in the Psalms----pleading with God. That's where I'm at.
whatever...
Do you ever get to the point where you are just "over it"----I mean just like....God, what the hell do you want me to learn? I feel like I cannot be pushed to my limit anymore. there's no where else for me to go.
I'm sorda pissed at God. I guess this is okay b/c this is how David was in the Psalms----pleading with God. That's where I'm at.
whatever...
Monday, July 16, 2007
Out of Africa
Well, after two days of flying...I am back from Africa & I am pretty sure that I brought a parasite back with me. I've been sick for 4 days----"YIKES", but so has the rest of my team. I learned what it is to truly "rough it" as I was sick and forced to repeatedly use a pit latrine as a potty. Pretty disgusting, but I am really proud of myself:)
So, I have not really had a moment to "process" all that I learned or experienced on this trip, but there is one HUGE victory that I know I will walk away with...
It's about "being present"....this is something that I have always struggled with. Most trips like this or hard situations, I have found myself just constantly fighting homesickness and then just wishing the whole experience away.
It's like I am unable to fully "be" and experience life b/c I always somewhere else....perhaps in the past, but mostly in the future somewhere. This is something I hate about myself b/c I feel like it's robbing myself of truly living life....even living the shitty parts of life. So, about a year and a half ago---I started praying about it & asking for help from God.
Help to not only be physically present, but emotionally and spiritually present in any circumstances.
And.....during my time in Malawi....something supernatural happened....b/c I felt so free to just be there. To be in every feeling, every state of mind, and to take it all in and it's so nice to come out of a trip like that with no regrets b/c I fully engaged. This is a huge victory for me....b/c typically I am a "heart-driven" person....so, when I am struggling.....I usually shut down and disconnect.
anyways, I am really thankful for God's faithfulness with all this!
I will write more about the trip later...
G'day
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