Go figure....I have an addictive personality. It's funny how crazy this whole online journal thing works b/c even if not a soul ever read this thing it's still comforting to be writing to the possibility of people out there....listening....b/c I think people who listen to you bring some sense of validity to what you are saying.
anyways- in light of all that....I have decided that I will create an imaginary friend that I will blog to...her name is Sally. It might be idiotic but it's more fun this way!
So, Sally- let the fun begin....
remember? This is a place for honesty.
So, I think that I have caused a few people to worry about me because of my previous posts----as I stated before---it was just oozing with melodrama. Now, that doesn't make it any less real or any less valid.
All that I am saying is - yea- I'm struggling. Yea, this is where I am. And, yea I am trying to find my faith once again....
I was talking with a good friend who reminded me of a really sweet part of the scriptures:
The saying is trustworthy, for:
If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he also will deny us;
if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself. [2 timothy 2]
This friend reminded me to focus on Jesus if I want to find my faith again----to focus on the essence of who God is----just WHO GOD IS if I want to find out who I am. This is good stuff...this is true. You know, I feel like for me---it's sometimes very difficult for me to accept simple truths. I am a romantic and I feel things very deeply and I want to be moved by just about everything in my life----so for me it's the same with my romance with Jesus....that's just it- I want it to be a romance. I feel like I can often fall into an abyss of confusion or something if I feel like I'm not being moved or deeply affected by him and his truth. I want more.
And, you know I think a good bit of that is how God made me so I don't think it's on accident. This is my journey.
I read something recently from that "Secrets of the Vine" book, which surprised me in how much I enjoyed it. Of course, I judged it just by the cover b/c it was way to similar to that Jabez book and by the same author. All I could think about was TFA 12th grade Bible class with mrs. jeffcoat when we had to recite the prayer of Jabez over and over again......ahhhhh.....misery. I hated jabez by the time that I was 18.
anyways, i read this----he talked about his journey of questions and doubts and he says that he made a choice to "seek God until he found HIM"....b/c you will indeed find him. And, how much more sweet it will be to find him after a long, dusty, hot, exhausting road to him.
The Bible says in James: "draw near to God and he will draw near to you".....So, I am making that choice [once again] to fight for faith....
Isn't it a crazy thought that people who know God and have a relationship with Him can somehow "lose" him. Oh watch out- don't freak out people....I'm not saying that you can lose your salvation....I don't think God goes anywhere. I just think it's fascinating how quickly we lose sight of him. I mean clearly God calls us in his word to draw near, to seek him....and I don't think he's talking about it being a one-time thing. But, I just think it's really very bizarre that we can have the Holy Spirit of God dwelling inside of us and yet get rather confused as to where he is. Well, I shouldn't even say "we" b/c it's me----I can. My heart and my head are at battle right now- they are bickering b/c my head is saying "dammit, laurie....just choose to believe. you know the truth [which is a valid statement] and my heart is saying ---"but it's just not that easy...." My head is saying "He's right here....He has never left you" and my heart is saying "ah, i'm just so confused, I'm just so lost, I'm just so all alone".
I mean, seriously, this is truly bizarre.
So, this blog addiction needs to end for the night b/c it's almost 1am and I am not a late nighter!
But, all this talk about God and questions and God's love and my faithlessness makes me think of Bethany Dillon. Ah, I love her. I think that we should be best friends. She gets me. I get her.
anyways- such a cool song that jesus showed me a few years ago:
"My love hasn't grown cold"
You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you
You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you
If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me
Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you
hmmm, thank you sweet Jesus. thank you for accepting me in questions.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I love Bethany Dillon's music too. Her new CD has a song on it called "You Are On Our Side" that is amazing.
I can relate to a lot of what you're saying Laurie, so don't feel like you're alone and that you're weird or less of a person for going through any of this battle in your mind. You're not. I think sometimes we're just told our faith should look a certain way, or be at a certain point after so many years of being a Christian, and that makes it even harder to go through these times of growth I think.
I'm glad you're blogging. :)
Post a Comment