Confessions:

Well, I am leaving on a 6am flight for a 2-day trek to Malawi, Africa.

I'm the team leader of 13 other people & I feel terrified. Not because I am not prepared, but just because I feel so consumed right now. So empty.
I've had a really horrible couple of days...I'm having to grieve the loss of a very close person in my life & I literally feel like I cannot breath at the thought of it.

This is why I feel consumed....this is why I feel terrified. I just feel so inadequate.
This person has meant more to me than perhaps any single person has in my entire life & I do not know how to let go. Although you might think this person has died....they haven't...it's just that they have died to me OR at least what they were & it's so very hard to get any clarity right now.

I guess the good thing out of this whole situation is that I am absolutely BROKEN & I am stepping into a position over the next two weeks where I hope and pray that God Almighty rocks my life and turns it upside down and makes me new again.

I heard someone tell me that they asked Beth Moore why she loved Jesus so much & she responded with one word:
"Desperation"

That's how I feel. I confess that much of the time it's not even because I want to love Him....it's just because I am so desperate for something more than what everyone else has to offer. It's just that everything else has left me empty. I find myself in that place once again...that place of desperation. That place of inner agony b/c I have to "let go" of everything that I think I want & I have to say I'm empty & I am desperate for you to come in and rip me apart and put me back together again.

So, that's all.
I'll let you know what he does after two weeks in a foreign land.
Should be exciting.