To Live is Christ

So, I was driving home last night in silence, which I have been doing a lot of the time lately b/c I have been stuck in this fog...
As I said before, I have had so many thoughts going in and out of my head, but I just feel that they are all very cyclical and I go nowhere with them....very unproductive. So, in my silence, out-of-nowhere, came this statement- "To live is Christ and to die is gain", as said by the Apostle Paul.
My initial thought is, "Really?!"....did he really live like that? Did he really have that kind of faith? I mean....I guess it must be true since he became a martyr. I don't know, perhaps I am just jaded, but I feel like that is just so foreign and if I said "to live is Christ and to die is gain" (which I have said in the past many times) then I would just be faking it b/c my life does not reflect that as a truth.
Take the first part of it: To live is Christ- just Jesus....
Then, why do I feel that I am just existing, just going through the motions.
Why do I feel purposeless much of the time? Why am I so terribly affected by another individual's rejection? Why do I need the attention and affection of others so much and worse than that, why is much of how I feel in any given moment regulated by that?
Frustrating.
So, if I am regulated by others, then Christ is not my everything....to live is not Christ. I know, perhaps this is perfection and we cannot get there this side of eternity, but I just found myself last night asking God to know what that kind of faith is like. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, but I feel that I just want more.

I want to honestly be able to say that Jesus really is my life AND for that to actually make a difference in how I live my life and how I feel about my life.