Grey's World

Grey's Anatomy started back up tonight...I was addicted to that show last year.
I missed it tonight, but I have it recorded:)

I thought i'd share a good quote from early last season:
Callie to George:
"I'm out of my element here. I break bones for a living, I used to live in the basement, most days I wear last night's eyeliner to work, and I don't give a crap about what other people think of me. Because I'm a happily independent and successful woman and I like it that way, only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard.

So please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me."

Henri's Wise Words

I wish I could claim this as mine....but it's Henri Nouwen's.
I'm praying right now that the truth of God's love can replace the anger that I feel.

Allow Yourself to Be Fully Received:
Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not fully received.

Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved--that is, fully received--by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others.

Faith is precisely trusting that you who give gratuitously will receive gratuitously, but not necessarily from the person to whom you gave. The danger is in pouring yourself out to others in hope that they will fully receive you.

You will soon feel as if others are walking away with parts of you.
You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

A lot of giving and receiving has a violent quality, because the givers and receivers act more out of need than out of trust. What looks like generosity is actually manipulation, and what looks like love is really a cry for affection or support.

When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give.
You will be grateful for what is given to you without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love.

Lead me to the cross

Read these lyrics:
Listen to this song by Hillsong:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of my self
I belong to You
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin in death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

The words of this song and the musician's voice speaks to my spirit. It draws me into Jesus...it's beautiful. I love music...the gift of music and the supernatural power of it.


For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
1 Cor. 1:18

To Live is Christ

So, I was driving home last night in silence, which I have been doing a lot of the time lately b/c I have been stuck in this fog...
As I said before, I have had so many thoughts going in and out of my head, but I just feel that they are all very cyclical and I go nowhere with them....very unproductive. So, in my silence, out-of-nowhere, came this statement- "To live is Christ and to die is gain", as said by the Apostle Paul.
My initial thought is, "Really?!"....did he really live like that? Did he really have that kind of faith? I mean....I guess it must be true since he became a martyr. I don't know, perhaps I am just jaded, but I feel like that is just so foreign and if I said "to live is Christ and to die is gain" (which I have said in the past many times) then I would just be faking it b/c my life does not reflect that as a truth.
Take the first part of it: To live is Christ- just Jesus....
Then, why do I feel that I am just existing, just going through the motions.
Why do I feel purposeless much of the time? Why am I so terribly affected by another individual's rejection? Why do I need the attention and affection of others so much and worse than that, why is much of how I feel in any given moment regulated by that?
Frustrating.
So, if I am regulated by others, then Christ is not my everything....to live is not Christ. I know, perhaps this is perfection and we cannot get there this side of eternity, but I just found myself last night asking God to know what that kind of faith is like. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, but I feel that I just want more.

I want to honestly be able to say that Jesus really is my life AND for that to actually make a difference in how I live my life and how I feel about my life.

thoughts...

well, there's so much on my mind that it's hard to get any of it out. I've been trying all morning to "be still" since the days are numbered where I will actually have time to even do that.
anyways, it's so difficult to quiet my mind and then sometimes I try to hard that it feels so unnatural and contrived. I hate that feeling.

I was in a wedding this weekend of a good friend of mine & I didn't want to go to it at first b/c I was just "in a bad place" & the thought of being around people that I had to make small talk with was so annoying. However, it turned out to be a surprisingly great weekend. I shared a condo with these girls that I had never met before who live on the west coast and we just all really connected. It was so authentic, and I felt loved by God thru them this past weekend. We were all talking how cool it was to be strangers and then to find this unique connection with one another just b/c of Jesus.

AND- the wedding was just so great....It reminded me what love should look like & how I have sold myself short so many times thinking that I could never "get that" kind of love. I have never really been one to believe that there is just one person out there for you, but I dont know....now I've been thinking about it and reconsidering. You can try and try with so many people (and I Have) and then perhaps you find that one and it just works...deep, authentic, passionate love just works. You know? Maybe I am wrong, but I'd like to believe that and wait for that.
I realize that so many times, I would have settled for less, ahhh.......it's so strange the sovereignty of God and how He literally RIPS us out of what we say we want and what we think is good....all for something great (I hope)

That's what my mentor always says: "sometimes what keeps us from something great is settling for something good"

The Inner Voice of Love

I have been reading this book by Henri Nouwen. It is his private journal entries on his journey from anguish to freedom.
It's phenomenal. It's raw. It's encouraging.

Here's something I liked:

Love Deeply:

Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds.

The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. They will become part of your self and thus gradually build a community within you.

Those you have loved deeply become a part of you. The longer you live, there will always be more people to be loved by you and to become a part of your inner community.

The wider your inner community becomes, the more easily you will recognize your own brothers and sisters in the strangers around you. Those who are alive within you will recognize those who are alive around you. The wider the community of your heart, the wider the community around you. Thus, the pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.