Try Blogging....again??

I think I will:) Reason being is that I have had the most incredibly difficult time just being contemplative and processing my thoughts lately. And, I've been neglecting my journal...so, perhaps this will be a helpful way to "get it all out"...it works for my sister and we seem to both enjoy writing.
Lately, I do feel somewhat stuck inside....not unhappy, actually quite happy....but just like I am just going throughout the events of the day and not really experiencing or recognizing what is happening in and through me. I hate that.


And, maybe this will be a way for all my friends far away to know about this big move to "the D". But, it's not all about me....let me know how you are too:)

Now, I should sleep.
Processing comes later.

Thoughts on Love::

Today was a strange day....it was full, very full- yet not so productive.
I've been thinking about love and what a risk it is to truly open your heart to someone. Doesn't it make sense that if you open your heart to passionately loving a person that you open your heart to the possibility of being wrecked beyond imagination.

I have someone really special in my life right now and we have done a whole lot of talking about the fears that come with what it means to really love another.

I've been hurt before and believe me...there are not many days that go by that I don't think about how the safer route would be just to not let anyone in, no one gets into that intimate, vulnerable side of me.

But, then I have to ask myself....What kind of existance is that? Yes, I can choose that route, but then I will never experience the fullness, the richness, the passion that comes with allowing another to love me in my most hidden places....allowing another to love me with the depth of soul that I desire to be loved with.

If I choose to run away for fear of being broken, then where does that lead me? Other than to a life of isolation & lonliness.

I believe wholeheartedly that it is worth the risk & this is where God comes into play: experience tells me that God is faithful. He will not leave us. He has been faithful to tend to my broken heart in the past and I trust him to take care of me when my heart is broken again (as I am sure that it will be).

God is truly faithful.

Check out this song by Sara Groves, it goes with all these ponderings about love:
Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way
Hold on to me I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby Only one makes you free
Hold on to me I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love We're going to find it

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing.
It's the whole thing

I love driving in my car at night and just listening to this song over and over again...it propels me into an endless cycle of contemplations, but that's not really uncommon for me.

But, this idea of loving someone just as they are: I love how the artist says...."it's no small thing, it's the whole thing".

it's just a beautiful little song that resonates with my spirit & challenges me to take the risk that comes with falling in love. I still have faith in the power of our heart and soul to bring healing and freedom, simply by loving someone just the way that they are.

Sunday

Man, I suck at Blogging! I don't know what happened?! I suppose working and taking 3 classes is what happened. I feel like I don't have time right now to process or think- which is totally not a good thing for my mental state.

Today, I am reading for anatomy and physiology about the respiratory system and then I have to work all night at STATUS. I'm really loving STATUS, which is surprising b/c i used to judge it and think it was just the trendy thing to be a part of. But, it's been a gift to me.

So much as been going on... God has been pursuing me and asking me to pursue him back. I hate how much I negect him. I hate how difficult it is for me to live in consistent intimacy with him.

You know another thing I hate?! How much I care about what other people think of me. I'd like to think I don't and most of the time I say that I don't, but I so do.
I was thinking this morning about how much mental energy I spend worrying about letting people down or disappointing people. These are people who I truly care about. And, I think it's important that their opinion matters to me, but yet....it shouldn't haunt me in the way that it does. It shouldn't stress me out and make me feel insecure. I hate that so much. B/c the reality is (just as my mom always told me)---I am going to let people down, that's just a fact of life. I want learn to appreciate the times when things get "MESSY" in relationships....I think I can see the benefit from growth that comes from it, but I want to learn to appreciate it in a way that I don't fear it so much.

Back to Blogging...

A few months ago, I was deep in a dark pit of depression & just couldn't seem to get a hold of my emotions. I clung to Jesus & as usual....he was faithful. But, the last couple of days I have been asking myself this question: "Can I relate to God outside of crisis in my life"?
It seems that I vascillate between desperately needing him and going before him to just living my life (and he is relatively absent)....Perhaps this is the human condition, but I hate it. I want more for my life. I want more for my soul and spirit. I want to see change, growth, and depth of character that knows what it is to be in constant communion with the Holy Spirit.
It's a goal worth fighting for, I think...

Today I was driving and heard a song that my friend had played for me for the first time a few months back. I was crying a lot those days....I had just been crying & my face was red and puffy. We were driving in her car & she silently reached over and grabbed my hand and pressed play on this song:
It's going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that It's going to be alright
When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you
It's going to be alright

I remember that moment and I am thankful for it. It gives me faith for what is to come.

Thankful

So, last night at church we had baptism & it was pretty amazing. Except for the fact that I had to be the one to hold the microphone so that people could say their name and why they were being baptized. I had major anxiety over electrecuting someone (including my boss).

I was brought to tears by so many of the people who publicly professed why they were being baptized....saying things like "I've lived in bondage for way too long & I want my life back".
It's just crazy how easy it is to forget what God has done----just even the simplicity of His salvation and how unworthy we are of it. I don't remember that fervor for Jesus, that excitement over declaring that Jesus saved me. I so easily forget. I hate that.

Last night, we were challenged to call to mind what we are thankful for & honestly---it took me a while, but as I meditated I thought....at this very moment in my life- I am thankful for forgiveness.

For the power in God's forgiveness of me b/c I feel so black much of the time....especially lately & for the power he has given me to forgive. What a miracle.....what a miracle it is to let go.

Grey's World

Grey's Anatomy started back up tonight...I was addicted to that show last year.
I missed it tonight, but I have it recorded:)

I thought i'd share a good quote from early last season:
Callie to George:
"I'm out of my element here. I break bones for a living, I used to live in the basement, most days I wear last night's eyeliner to work, and I don't give a crap about what other people think of me. Because I'm a happily independent and successful woman and I like it that way, only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard.

So please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me."

Henri's Wise Words

I wish I could claim this as mine....but it's Henri Nouwen's.
I'm praying right now that the truth of God's love can replace the anger that I feel.

Allow Yourself to Be Fully Received:
Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not fully received.

Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved--that is, fully received--by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others.

Faith is precisely trusting that you who give gratuitously will receive gratuitously, but not necessarily from the person to whom you gave. The danger is in pouring yourself out to others in hope that they will fully receive you.

You will soon feel as if others are walking away with parts of you.
You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

A lot of giving and receiving has a violent quality, because the givers and receivers act more out of need than out of trust. What looks like generosity is actually manipulation, and what looks like love is really a cry for affection or support.

When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give.
You will be grateful for what is given to you without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love.