Confessions:

Well, I am leaving on a 6am flight for a 2-day trek to Malawi, Africa.

I'm the team leader of 13 other people & I feel terrified. Not because I am not prepared, but just because I feel so consumed right now. So empty.
I've had a really horrible couple of days...I'm having to grieve the loss of a very close person in my life & I literally feel like I cannot breath at the thought of it.

This is why I feel consumed....this is why I feel terrified. I just feel so inadequate.
This person has meant more to me than perhaps any single person has in my entire life & I do not know how to let go. Although you might think this person has died....they haven't...it's just that they have died to me OR at least what they were & it's so very hard to get any clarity right now.

I guess the good thing out of this whole situation is that I am absolutely BROKEN & I am stepping into a position over the next two weeks where I hope and pray that God Almighty rocks my life and turns it upside down and makes me new again.

I heard someone tell me that they asked Beth Moore why she loved Jesus so much & she responded with one word:
"Desperation"

That's how I feel. I confess that much of the time it's not even because I want to love Him....it's just because I am so desperate for something more than what everyone else has to offer. It's just that everything else has left me empty. I find myself in that place once again...that place of desperation. That place of inner agony b/c I have to "let go" of everything that I think I want & I have to say I'm empty & I am desperate for you to come in and rip me apart and put me back together again.

So, that's all.
I'll let you know what he does after two weeks in a foreign land.
Should be exciting.

Hopefully I will never have to take another standardized test again!!!

So, I passed the GRE! YAY:)
Seriously- I think it was supernatural b/c I am so horrible at those tests and I did pretty darn good. It was so great to wake up this morning and have that burden off of my shoulders and now I can start applying to graduate school. I feel grown up.

My sister showed me this thing this weekend where you can see different parts of the world people are when they read your blog---I think that's wild. It's like I have a whole set of friends out there in the blogging world. It really would surprise me if many people actually read this thing, but thanks if you do----Sally, are you out there? My sweet imaginary friend.
Yes....what does that say about me??

So, I do want to share something of substance. Tonight I went to this Bible study on "Loving Well" & it was perfect timing b/c I have been just processing this whole concept of Love- what is love? What do I believe about love? What is truth when it comes to love? What are the lies about love that I believe? ect...
I feel like God has seriously been inundating me with lessons on love and just pictures of what LOVE IS NOT.

So, I love Grey's Anatomy---it's a fantastically entertaining and addicting show, and I am terribly saddened by the fact that they fired Dr. Burke. Anyways, on to my point.
I was watching the season finale this past season and there were many parts of the show that "got me", but there is this one part that really stuck with me. It's a dialog between Izzy and George---so, if you don't know. They are best friends, but George is married to Callie, but one night they got drunk and slept together and it's been chaos ever sense.
So- here' what Izzy says to George:

"I am an optimist. I am a fool. I am not sure. Because I'm your best friend, because I love you, if you want to be with Callie then I will do everything in my power to support you and help you make your marriage work. But, because I'm your best friend, because I love you, I also have to say....that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I can't promise a future. I can't promise perfection, because we're us, I'm me and you're you. No one knows what will happen. But, in my heart- I am sure. I'm in love with you George. And I hope you're in love with me too."

So, what do you think about this? I have been thinking on this and having discussions on this one simple quote---crazy, huh? Just as I listened to this---I thought--- "wow, I have been so deceived". Let me elaborate.
I just feel like----as much as I LOVE that show---after this conversation between George and Izzy, everything in my spirit just cried out ---"No! This is not love" and I just saw---wow, how much am I letting this kind of thinking get into my spirit and alter my thoughts on love and my expectations of what love is supposed to look like? I mean---yes---the love that Izzy is feeling is passionate and is alive or something, but it's all about how she feels....it's all about her. If she truly was "in love" with George...wouldn't she want for him to honor the commitment that he has made in a marriage---and wouldn't she be able to set aside her feelings and maybe, just maybe even suffer a little bit to stand for something that is right? I know I know, you are probably thinking- wow, she is getting really worked up over a nightly soap opera. And, I am. And, I recognize that this is TV and that not everyone (especially Hollywood) believes the same things that I believe. But, really it's not even about that....for me it was just like one of those light-bulb moments.
B/c I have been in a relationship where I think I had seriously self-centered motives for what I thought love was supposed to look like. What it was supposed to do for me!

It's like the lightbulb has just gone off and I am seeing just how deceived I have been and how my view of love has been tainted and held captive to what the world, the culture around me says love is supposed to be.
The thing is---I am not on Grey's anatomy, I am not in Hollywood and even more than that---I call my self a follower of Jesus....so, therefore, I am called to a higher form of love. I have been called to do something that on my own---I am literally incapable of doing & that is to love just because.
To love because God has loved me...it's a love that is not self-seeking, but it a love that points to someone greater- it points back to God...it is a love that paints a beautiful picture of who the Creator is....b/c He is Love. God is love.
This is a self-less love.
A love that loves, just because.

In the Bible study that I was at tonight, I read these questions posed by Beth Moore on God's behalf:
Read them, think about them, let them draw you back into the self-less love of our God:

• Do you realize that I came to meet with you?
• Do you have any idea how much I love you? How taken I am with you?
• Do you know that I have never forsaken you, nor will I reject you? I was there all along. I always will be.
• Do you realize that I knew everything about you the day your were conceived? I anticipated your life and planned for it
• You do have an enemy, My Child. But it is not Me. He wants you to think it is.
• I am for you.
• Do you think you need to prove yourself lovable to me? Deep down inside, are you trying to earn my love and attention?
• As you strive to love Me more, do you realize the key to loving me more is to let me love you more?
• Why are you resisting me? Why are you running from me?
• To whom have you compared me, and with whom have you confused me?
• I'm not like them.
• I know what's happened. I know what's on your mind.
• I alone know the plan for how this turns out well. I alone know how to prosper you through this.
• My eyes and my affections are on you right now.
• Quit trying to be so strong. Let Me be strong for you.
• I love you unashamedly. Even now My banner flies over you. Everyone in the heavenlies knows how I feel about you. I'd leave you red-faced over my love for you...if you'd let me.

Random

I finished a GRE Practice test about an hour ago and am seriously unmotivated to study----so I suppose when you are trying to avoid studying, some really random things will come to mind.

For some reason I started thinking about the Tsunami that hit South Asia on December 26th 2004. I don't know why I started to think about it- random...seriously out-of-the-blue things often come to my mind so it's not a huge surprise. Anyways, I found this video on youtube:

watch it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOsFBxhBsBk

As I watched this video, first I was just fascinated by nature and it's power and capabilities. Secondly, I just felt it...a rush of sadness and grief over how terrifying that moment must have been for some many people. It was just a beautiful day at the beach for so many tourists and another day of work for natives & everything changed in a moment. As I watched the video, I found myself becoming so fearful...yet- I know that doesn't even begin to compare to actually experiencing it.
The death toll for those multiple tsunamis is over 200,000...that's crazy. It's just so ridiculous how big the world is- that we can wake up and do our day-to-day and on another side of the world---in a moment (or a few moments) hundreds of thousands of people can be lost to the world.
I hate how unaffected I am most of the time, but I know you can't walk around just being completely destroyed by tragedy b/c you would be paralyzed b/c there is just so much of it in this world. But, still----I think I need to be more informed about the tragic happenings of this world---those that happen in a moment and even more- those that happen over a decade. It's so easy to live blind to the rest of the world. It's so comfortable.

But, i think if you force yourself to be in the know----i mean, educate yourself about issues of poverty, disease, injustice, oppression or even just the day-in/day-out turmoil of the impoverished of this world...if you force yourself to do what is hard---to look at them.....to look at the issues....to look at the needy who lost their loved-ones in South Asia in a moment....if you force yourself to look at them.....to not turn a blind-eye, then I think you will care enough to do something. you have care enough, right?

Wow- I am on a big soapbox. This is seriously hard for me.....I wrestle with this all the time...fighting living in guilt for my western, wealthy, comfortable life and asking God why me? and then fighting the other side of being so self-absorbed and materialistic that I can't even begin to look at someone else's need. It's so hard. I suppose that's just a battle you fight in this life.

I just rambled a bunch of stuff to who-knows-all....but if anything... tragedy like the tsunamis really make me recognize how fleeting life is. How in a moment...it can be over.

What is it to truly live?

So, I've been thinking about how I automatically seem to function day-to-day out of my fears, anxieties, doubts....etc. Out of a "me" that would seemingly have no hope. Remember how the Bible says that we are a "new creation---the old has gone, the new has come?" So, why can't I get past it.

I suppose this is what they call Sanctification, but it's just so dang frustrating. i hate it.

But, freedom is worth a fight---that sounds so braveheart-ish and i am not meaning to sound cheesy. haha, I am always cheesy, but really. I think about that....in our natural selves....the selves where we are operating out of the "old"---which comes so naturally, so second nature...when we are operating out of this old place---we automatically go to a place of bondage. We go back to our shit....so-to-speak. but, the new self is worth fighting for. I think it must be, b/c this old self sucks. Am I making any sense at all?

I used to intern for an amazing organization called International Justice Mission-[http://www.ijm.org] its a Christian Human Rights group that is based out of DC and has offices all over the world. They are doing amazing things all in the name of Jesus---demonstrating God's heart for justice.

Anyways, I was just thinking about how- during my time there- I heard so many stories about young girls that they had rescued out of sex-slavery. These young girls, 8,9, 10, 15.... they had been tricked into getting a "job" that they thought was ligit b/c their family was in a desperate situation and then they were hidden away in dark holes----only to be taken out for sex....sometimes 30-40 men a day. Disgusting.

anyways, I say all this-- b/c IJM has encountered NUMEROUS girls who will GO BACK to the BROTHELS after IJM has rescued them! I mean- seriously, doesn't that seem unfathomable? The thing is- this is all they know- this has become their identity- they have been abused and lied to and made to feel that they deserve nothing more and that they have no hope of knowing anything more. sometimes, their families have turned their backs on them....they go back to what they know.

They go back to where they have been made to believe they belong.

Doesn't this sound familiar. I feel a little trite to compare my situation to a young girl being sexually abused, but in reality---it all comes from the prince of darkness and his lies. Doesn't it? Isn't that a good picture of the internal state of human beings----we cannot even accept the light, the hope, the FREEDOM, the LIFE that we have been brought into....not only can we not accept it, we fight it and go back to "what we know"----at least I do.

read these lyrics by nichole nordeman---she says it so well...

Did you come that we might just survive?
Did you come so we could just get by?
Did you walk among us
So we might merely limp along beside?

I was bound, I have been set free
But I have settled for apathy
Did you come to make me new
And know I'd crawl right back into the skin you found me in?

It's where I am, not where I've been

You make me want to live
You make me want to live
You came to shake us
And to wake us up to something more
Than we'd always settled for
And you make me want to live

We've all been up on the mountain top
A golden glow that?s bound to soon wear off
Then it's back to the mundane telling tales of glory days
When we were hopeful that this change was here to stay

So why would a young man
Live in a waste land
When the castle of his dreams is standing by?
Why would a princess
Put on an old dress
To dance with her beloved and a chance to catch his eye?

Did I speak too soon?

Well, apparently...I am NOT addicted to blogging. Go figure, I already gave up so soon....I thought I would have at least lasted a little bit longer.
Well, i'm curious if people actually read this and if they do---then I am sorry that I have been MIA.
I have been studying my butt off for the GRE...you know that horrid Graduate Record Exam.
Analogies are the worst. I mean seriously- I cannot get them right. I know how the "GRE for Dummies" "Barron's book for the GRE" and the "Princeton Review" study book and all of them give me these little "Tips" that do me absolutely no good at all.
I already took the asinine (one of my words) test once and didn't get the score that I needed and of course I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking how I will never pass the GRE and never get into Grad school and therefore end up watching other people's children all of my life!!!!
wonderful
Ahh, if only I weren't so dramatic;)
So, other than that- my life has been pretty boring. I feel like i have been living in a whole- I seriously studied for 8 hours on Saturday and then went to babysit 3 little boys----hahha, I went to bed thinking how sad my life is.
you know the funny thing is that I actually enjoy babysitting on the weekends. It's only sad b/c somehow I have come to buy into this idea that you have to go out on the town on the weekends or else you are lame. I am such a homebody that enjoys just being low-key. Am i boring?

Has anyone seen the picture version of the "what's so amazing about grace?"--- it's so amazing!----hahha, i'm funny.
anyways, you should get it.
My favorite page has this picture of a string hanging high in the sky and then it says:
"God in heaven holds each person by a string. When you sin, you cut the string. Then God ties it up again, making a knot- and thereby bringing you a little closer to him.
Again and again your sins cut the string- and with each further knot God keeps drawing you closer and closer...."

That picture just gets me......I mean- I look at my sin and just think feel like I am so unworthy to come into God's presence so typically I just avoid him altogether until I can't avoid him anymore. But, I think----this crap just pushes me further and further away from him. And, the thing is----without Grace- that's exactly what the junk in our lives does. But, with Grace...we get to come into his presence b/c HE Draws us back---he draws us in---closer to him and says---"see, didn't you miss me? that wasn't all that great---don't do that again" So, the very thing that separates us can be the very thing that brings us closer to him. That's supernatural.
super god.

to quote bono-
"what once was lost, what once was friction, what left a mark- no longer stings, b/c grace makes beauty out of ugly things"

Good Day.

So, I'm addicted to blogging already...

Go figure....I have an addictive personality. It's funny how crazy this whole online journal thing works b/c even if not a soul ever read this thing it's still comforting to be writing to the possibility of people out there....listening....b/c I think people who listen to you bring some sense of validity to what you are saying.
anyways- in light of all that....I have decided that I will create an imaginary friend that I will blog to...her name is Sally. It might be idiotic but it's more fun this way!
So, Sally- let the fun begin....
remember? This is a place for honesty.

So, I think that I have caused a few people to worry about me because of my previous posts----as I stated before---it was just oozing with melodrama. Now, that doesn't make it any less real or any less valid.
All that I am saying is - yea- I'm struggling. Yea, this is where I am. And, yea I am trying to find my faith once again....
I was talking with a good friend who reminded me of a really sweet part of the scriptures:
The saying is trustworthy, for:

If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he also will deny us;
if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself. [2 timothy 2]

This friend reminded me to focus on Jesus if I want to find my faith again----to focus on the essence of who God is----just WHO GOD IS if I want to find out who I am. This is good stuff...this is true. You know, I feel like for me---it's sometimes very difficult for me to accept simple truths. I am a romantic and I feel things very deeply and I want to be moved by just about everything in my life----so for me it's the same with my romance with Jesus....that's just it- I want it to be a romance. I feel like I can often fall into an abyss of confusion or something if I feel like I'm not being moved or deeply affected by him and his truth. I want more.
And, you know I think a good bit of that is how God made me so I don't think it's on accident. This is my journey.
I read something recently from that "Secrets of the Vine" book, which surprised me in how much I enjoyed it. Of course, I judged it just by the cover b/c it was way to similar to that Jabez book and by the same author. All I could think about was TFA 12th grade Bible class with mrs. jeffcoat when we had to recite the prayer of Jabez over and over again......ahhhhh.....misery. I hated jabez by the time that I was 18.
anyways, i read this----he talked about his journey of questions and doubts and he says that he made a choice to "seek God until he found HIM"....b/c you will indeed find him. And, how much more sweet it will be to find him after a long, dusty, hot, exhausting road to him.
The Bible says in James: "draw near to God and he will draw near to you".....So, I am making that choice [once again] to fight for faith....
Isn't it a crazy thought that people who know God and have a relationship with Him can somehow "lose" him. Oh watch out- don't freak out people....I'm not saying that you can lose your salvation....I don't think God goes anywhere. I just think it's fascinating how quickly we lose sight of him. I mean clearly God calls us in his word to draw near, to seek him....and I don't think he's talking about it being a one-time thing. But, I just think it's really very bizarre that we can have the Holy Spirit of God dwelling inside of us and yet get rather confused as to where he is. Well, I shouldn't even say "we" b/c it's me----I can. My heart and my head are at battle right now- they are bickering b/c my head is saying "dammit, laurie....just choose to believe. you know the truth [which is a valid statement] and my heart is saying ---"but it's just not that easy...." My head is saying "He's right here....He has never left you" and my heart is saying "ah, i'm just so confused, I'm just so lost, I'm just so all alone".
I mean, seriously, this is truly bizarre.
So, this blog addiction needs to end for the night b/c it's almost 1am and I am not a late nighter!
But, all this talk about God and questions and God's love and my faithlessness makes me think of Bethany Dillon. Ah, I love her. I think that we should be best friends. She gets me. I get her.
anyways- such a cool song that jesus showed me a few years ago:

"My love hasn't grown cold"
You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things

Because oh, my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies

But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery

And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

hmmm, thank you sweet Jesus. thank you for accepting me in questions.

Help "Fellow Bloggers"

So, I cannot figure out how to make changes on my postings----I mean, perhaps I am an idiot. So, help me if you have advice or wisdom into this blogging thing.

So, the song- well.......i guess this is what I am wondering...Maybe there's a loving God.
I know this logically in my head--- of course I know this to be true, but how has it changed me? I guess that's what I am struggling with. How come I am no different? Maybe I am different, and maybe all the responsibility of change lies on my shoulders----perhaps I am overanalyzing this....it wouldn't be the first time. Unfortunately, things are never simple with me. I wish I was more simple-minded.
Anyways, so, I just have been asking myself that question of how would I be different if I truly believed that I had a Father in heaven who was not only real but loved me-----I mean, I'm not talking about just knowing this in my head....I am talking about believing this so deeply that it changed the very essence of who I am....that it was what I lived for and something that I would be willing to die for....that everything that I did and the decisions that I made were "held up" by this truth----by this fact that there really was a loving God.
So, yes....I know this in my head but I'm not where I want to be in my heart....not yet.

The rest of the song....

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Am I going down that road again?

So, about a year and half ago I was really struggling. I mean facing questions that I have never faced before, fears that I had never faced before and I fell into depression. It all started when I started to see a counselor and "unpack" my life.
Okay, so this is a place to be honest...so I am really going to be honest...
Anyways, I am a huge advocate for everyone getting counseling or psychotherapy or whatever you want to call it, but with it comes a really rough road. It's like I was digging up all this crap in my life and I just didn't even know what to do with it. I felt paralyzed. It got better and light came but not until I went into a really dark place. So, everyone around me like my family and close friends were like----what are we going to do with her? I remember one day my dad called me and he had spoken with a doctor friend who had "diagnosed" me over the phone----even though he didn't know what to do with me. I think my father just needed to have some sense of control over my struggles and he tried like hell to get it. That didn't work. Anyways, looking back I realize there was not "diagnosis"- I just was where I was.
Lately, I question whether that familiar place is coming full circle.
I am definitely a dreamer....a critic....and second-guess just about everything and everyone----so yet once again I find myself in a place of questioning. I'm thinking that perhaps I never really left that place- perhaps I was just distracted for a while.
so, I'm a christian or as they like to say nowadays- I'm a "christ-follower". I have asked Jesus to save me from my sins, to forgive me and come into my life and change me. Actually, I am asking him to do that over and over again, but the thing that I am facing right now is....
If there's a supernatural God and He truly has changed me then how come I don't feel changed? How come I feel stuck? How come it's so hard for me to have faith in Him? in His goodness?
How come I feel so alone? I know...I know....I sound ridiculously melodramatic- deal with it cause this is a place of honesty.
This is my problem...I know all the right answers. All my life I have been told that faith is not about how you feel...feelings change. Faith is about making a choice to believe in what you cannot see. Some days that is easier than others and lately it has been truly hard. Cause I really wanna feel that there is a supernatural God who has changed me...who loves me.
My friend introduced me to this new song that I cannot stop listening to and I admit that it probably just nurtures my melodrama, but I like it anyways. It's by Sara Groves and it seems to take me back to a year ago when I was in my funk and my family was like- "ah, what are we going to do with her?"
here's the lyrics-


Maybe There's A Loving God Lyrics
Artist(Band):Sara Groves

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I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I'm thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Here Goes...

Honestly, I just feel stuck right now and I've tried this whole internet posting thing or blogging thing before but I always felt like I was "trying" way too hard b/c it seemed to be the trendy thing to do for our generation. Well, and I guess that I am just gonna go ahead and fully jump on this bandwagon but it's more than that--- I think.
I'm sitting here on my couch and having one of those moments like usual when I am just completely lost in thought and can't seem to get any clarity- so, I thought- "hell, it works for some people on this blogging thing"- maybe it will work for me.
I think it's funny or strange to think that people would actually read this and make comments, but maybe you will...
I'd like to think that this can be a place of honesty and perhaps community----and maybe even some internal freedom....is that just crazy?
As I said before, I feel just really stuck right now. Stuck in life- in my place in life, stuck in my relationships with people, and in my relationship with Jesus. I don't even know how to articulate it. I used to find great freedom in journaling but lately I have not been journaling at all- I usually just wanna talk to someone- so this is like the best of both worlds- journaling and "talking" to friends online and probably a whole lot of strangers.